Life Lately
Don’t expect anything coherent. This is really more of a mind dump. An attempt to clear the clutter.
The world is a bit chaotic, currently. This chaos has been kind of like a magnifying glass. Making it clear how much I’ve taken the mundane ‘normal’ parts of life for granted. We’re about a week or two deep into this Covid-19 pandemic. It’s spreading fast, almost as quickly as the forest fire of fear that singes the minds of the nation. Who would have thought we’d live to see the day you can’t even walk into a store and buy toilet paper anymore. No joke. I’ve been to the grocery stores at least 5 times since the panic started to set in, and only once did I score a 4-pack of tp. And clorox wipes? Forget about it.
I've been crying more than usual. Well, I guess to be completely honest I used to be quite the cryer. Then after Zach and I broke up, it’s almost like there was a valve turned inside of me and all at once the tears stopped flowing. Okay it’s not like I didn’t cry at all since my split with Zach. Not like in that movie, what movie is it where one of the female leads can’t cry? Is it The Holiday? That’s not the point. The point is I didn’t cry a lot, and now I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve cried even in the past 24-hours. I’ve cried because I’m scared. I’ve cried because I’m worried about my grandparents. I’ve cried because I feel terrible about how many people have lost loved ones. I’ve cried about the current state of humanity — I mean people are hoarding toilet paper for god sakes. I’ve cried because of the good I’ve seen come out of this. I’ve cried because the world is falling apart and I feel like I’m not doing enough to help it. I feel like I could really use a hug right about now, and because of social distancing that won’t be happening anytime soon.
At the beginning of February the tears started flowing and ever since I can’t get the valve to turn back off. It all happened out of the blue. I drove down to my sister’s house to visit and go to a wedding. I had planned on waiting until the next morning to drive, but when I got home from work Saturday night there was someone tearing up a wall in my house (long story for another time). So instead I threw together my stuff and jumped in the car. I drove the 3.5-hour trip nonstop, arrived in time to say goodnight to my sister and brother-in-law, and went to bed. The next morning, the day of the wedding, I woke up with a terrible pain in my hip/butt/leg. I didn’t think too much of it, so I got myself ready for the wedding and off I went. The ceremony was lovely, but I felt like I couldn’t focus because I had this shooting electric pain going down my entire right leg. Well, long story short (too late), I’ve been suffering from sciatica caused by piriformis syndrome. And man have I cried A LOT throughout the last 6 weeks. I’ve cried because I can’t figure out why this happened. I’ve cried because the pain has been too much to bare. I’ve cried because it all feels hopeless — like is my body every going to feel ‘normal’ again? Will I never be able to run without this pain? Will it come back? Actually, will it ever go the fuck away?!
So I guess the best way to sum up my life lately is that nothing is ‘normal’ and all I do is cry about it.
The end.